We Were Meant To Live For So Much More

So much has happened lately. I havent really felt like posting about it, just cause its stuff i keep private. Its been pretty rough and im working through alot. I want to thank those close to me for being there for me. My health has been really rocky lately, and ill leave it at that.

Have you read through your high school yearbooks lately? Look at all the things people wrote to you. Do you still even remember those people? Can you put a name with a face? I was reading through those things, trying to figure out what the hell has gone wrong with my life since high school. Professionally, ive done well. I succeeded in school, got good grades, was in tons of outside activities, excelled at work, was a role model to many people at BG and did everything i could to get everything i could out of school.

Personally...ive wasted away to nothing. There was a period of time where i thought i had become a new person. I had 2 serious relationships during college, both of them ended in EXTREME heartbreak. The first one was out of my control, the latest....god knows what really happened. Ive been consistantly chasing the dream of happiness i knew since i was a kid. In my time growing up, i always thought id have some kind of relationship that my parents had. At first, it was the high school sweetheart thing that they had, and i had a great relationship my senior year of high school. Looking back at it, it was the most personal relationship i had. I wasnt trying to be someone i wasnt, i wasnt trying to hide anything or do things that wasnt me. However, i was young and naive. Id give anything right now to have a relationship that pure. It was the only time i felt like i was in a 100% reciprocated relationship. There never was a question if she needed me, or if i needed her. We both knew. Then i did the customary thing, and blew it. Around the year mark, as usual, i botched it. I made some lame excuse, talked myself into thinking id be happier somewhere else, and in the end, all i wanted was her back. But i had wrecked it. The trust was gone, the love eventually was gone, and the thing i longed for so much was gone.

In college, i didnt know what to expect. I was alot different than most of my friends, and my sophomore year, i met and dated someone who i connected with pretty well. I finally found a way to open myself to someone after what had happened in high school, and trusted her with everything i had. In the end, i was betrayed in one of the worst ways possible, and it sent me into one of the worst places in my life i had ever been to. I wondered why it happened. I didnt know if i had caused these things, if it was because of her, or me, or what? Was i still the person that all my teachers and friends admired in high school? Had i changed into someone else that was a bad person?

Now, im out of school, i had a fiancee, thought it was the real deal, and still do in some regards. I connected with this person in a very deep way, almost a 'read my mind" kind of way. However, there were so many core differences that one of us wouldnt compromise on, it just became sandpaper on sandpaper. Was i being inflexible? Was i being too selfish? I dont know. I love this person with every fiber of my being, but i dont know what to do. She has it set in her mind that we are too different, and she thinks she knows what i want, but we barely know each other anymore. I do know that something has changed in her, and i can feel an emptiness between us that has scared me shitless lately. It feels cold and barren, like the love that was there is now gone. I know i love her, but i get the feeling its not reciprocated. What could i have done to cause this? Is it just me, or have i become something else?

I was always well respected and thought to be a model person in high school...am i the same person? Im sure the answer to that is no, but what does that mean? Have i become a better man, or have i become something i would be dissapointed in if i saw myself 5 years ago. I was surrounded by people in high school that told me i was such a great person and i effected their life in such a huge way...and right now, i dont know if anyone would think that. If so, i could probably count them on one hand.

I guess it boils down to me not being sure that i like who i am anymore. Is it because the person i love doesnt love me? Not really, its more that im realizing that theres alot about me that isnt lovable. Everyone has relationship issues in their lives, and i dont know why i cant deal with the bad things that have happened in the 3 major ones ive had. Id love to say, "Live and learn, then move on" from these, but for some reason, the errors and mistakes ive made in these relationships haunt me still to this day. I dont know if its a matter of me not being able to live with myself after causing someone so much pain, then having so much pain caused to me...now seeing a mixture of that happening....i honestly dont know. I spend so much time now wondering who i am and what ive become, and i keep coming up with no answer. Maybe ive become a nothing.

I live my life trying to be one thing, someone that at the end of my life, i would be proud of, and that those i love would be proud of. However, i cant get past the fact that so much has happened that for one reason or another i am not proud of. I dont want to hurt those that i love, but for some reason, around the time im in a relationship for a year, somehow i do something that causes the relationships to self destruct. Wether its me breaking up with them, or causing my sig oth to cheat, i dont know what it is. Do i have some sort of massechistic behavior that i NEED to have some kind of drama in my life to feel like ive accomplished something? Do i not know how to be happy or keep myself and others happy? I honestly dont know.

I know i keep asking all of these questions, and maybe this entry is more for my own benefit than to you, the reader, but im seriously trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my life anymore, and my answer is always a big fat nothing.

Id love to hear any insight anyone may have.

BW


Some food for thought lyrics.


Fumbling his confidence
And wondering why the world has passed him by
Hoping that he's meant for more than arguments
And failed attempts to fly

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
Somewhere we live inside

Dreaming about Providence
And whether mice or men have second tries
Maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken...