LITTLE KNOWN CAT AILMENTS
Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved
behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some
oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.
COLLAPSIBLE LEGS
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the
ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After
several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly
collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the
exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though -
some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover
spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is
probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment
after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of
collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.
BED-HOGGING
Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space
at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants
occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or
underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious -
any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the
bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way
as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as
most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized
and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep
while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of
bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case
a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed
with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).
FUFFLING
Symptoms: The cat lowers its nose into water and exhales. This is
followed by whiffing, spluttering, sneezing, snorting, head-shaking
and a generally confused expression. Bath-foam appears to trigger
attacks of fuffling in some cats. It may also be linked to
interesting items seen in the water e.g. goldfish, food-crumbs,
greeblingz. Fuffling is most common during kittenhood although
even quite elderly may suffer an occasional bout.
Treatment: None. Snorkelling apparatus or scuba suits
are possibilities, but cats do not readily accept such
treatment. Kittenhood fuffling generally subsides as the cat
grows older, possibly due to some acquired immunity (or greater
common sense).
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through
house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be
non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO
sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional
beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed
expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching
themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to
humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the
condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting
in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually
subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own
dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes,
but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them
to see them.
