Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Mid 20's Dating for the Non Barfly

So, since my relationship meltdown of a few years ago, i've had some seriously interesting experiences in dating. Dating as a single, professional who isnt into the bar/party scene can be kind of rough. I did the whole bar/party thing in college, especially during my more rebellious, "single" times and had my share of good times. There is alot of risk there, but id have to say that 9 times out of 10, most women that you meet in college arent even thinking past that year...let alone long term. Some guys are cool with that. Some arent looking for relationships or looking for committment. However, if you are...post-college, the game changes a ton.

For me, i cant say im a huge socialite. I have a small, tightknit group of friends that are spread all around the country. Omaha, Pittsburgh, San Francisco, LA, North Carolina to name a few. Notice...none of those are here in Chicago. When i lived in columbus(for the 3-4 months i was "single" before i moved back to Chicago, it was a bit better. I had friends there from college, from work, etc. Had mutual group activities where i could meet people and the company i worked for seemed to have a younger, hipper workforce. Alot of that changed when i moved to Chicago. Sounds the opposite of what you would think.

Chicago is so big and so diverse, it can almost be threatening. Where do you start? Do i try to date people i work with? Do i do the internet thing? Do i join outside clubs and activities for the sole reason of finding someone to date? All of these are tough questions. I decided not to date anyone i work with, despite finding one incredible person. I dated people i worked with in college...it tends to go nowhere good. While i like to think that i am significantly more mature than i was in college, i think the dangers far outweigh the benefits of that kind of relationship. Additionally, my company isnt a real hotbed of young professionals, especially female. That decision being made, lets move on to some more decisions.

Clubs? Professional organizations? Sure, there are a ton of them in a large metropolitan area. However, id have to say im in a good comfort zone with what i do in my spare time. I dont feel like joining something like that as my only intention to find women. Seems real sleazy to me. Also, organizations/clubs like that function alot like work. Lets say i found someone, dated for a while and it ended ugly. What do we do now? We are part of this club, gossip will spread and we will have to face each other in some kind of semi professional environment. Echos alot of the issues about dating at work, except im not getting paid. Verdict? No thanks.

Internet dating. Thank the internet for bring people together. While in theory, it sounds like a good thing, you cant treat internet dating like conventional matchmaking. Its something that can be pretty difficult. Take match.com. That is the equivilant of going to a bar online. Search for people, go after people you find attractive(physicaly or mentally based on their profile). Sure, you can sit back and let them come to you...but like i said, its essentially a bar without the smoke and loud cover bands. There are services like eharmony that do the matching for you, tell you important bits about them that you might find interesting and lead you through a guided process before there is some kind of open communication. I particularly liked this route. It basically weeded out the initial impulsion of "HOT OR NOT" and it was easy for me to tell if they were willing to put the work in or not. Trying to actually GET TO KNOW someone rather than gut reactions to their profile picture shows alot. Dont get me wrong. Initial attraction based off appearance does matter, im no dipshit. But as with transformers, there is more than meets the eye.

So sure. Ive balanced a few matches at once. Have i ever "dated" more than one woman at a time? I wouldnt say so. Maybe its mincing words, but i wont go out on more than 1 date with someone if im seeing someone else casually. I tend to let the women make the rules since there is such a bad association with internet dating. I want to make them feel as comfortable as possible. Some may see that as me not being in charge enough, but if thats the case, im ok with that. When dating through internet means, its important to realize that for the most part, the general dating pool is NOT THE SAME as it would be if you were dating at parties or clubs in college. These are not socialites you are matched up with. For the most part, people using internet dating sites are using it for a reason. They have some issue with meeting people on their own. Im sure on both sides of the coin, men and women, there are tons of withdrawn nutjobs out there that make this particular kind of dating a serious minefield of sorts. Here is a fun rundown of some dating mishaps ive had.

1. A woman who invited me over to her place for our first date. Talk about obvious. (no, i didnt go)
2. Someone who was too absorbed in the Cubs to ever meet up on anything other than her terms or schedule.
3. A woman who told me she wanted to talk on the phone to get to know me better, yet would always put me to voicemail.
4. A woman who dated me for weeks who eventually(after almost 2 months) told me she isnt going to date anyone who doesnt have the same VD that she has. I politely moved on.
5. Women(multiple) who have become 1 date wives as i call them. One date and then begin to try to weave themselves into your life without you even know it. Taking little time to get to know you, just looking for a 1 stop husband. Not good.
6. A woman who showed up at my apartment not knowing when i was coming home to confront me about why i wouldnt date them anymore.
7. A woman who quietly required a daily phone call, yet never wanted to get together for some reason or another. The entire relationship was spent on the phone or instant messenger, but when it came to getting together, it was never possible.
8. Assorted women from other countries who were obviously looking for easy green cards.
9. Dated a girl who i mistakenly invited out to meet my parents. She spent the whole time knocking me and making jokes at my expense in front of my parents. While i dont really give a shit about that stuff...not a good way to win parental support. Especially when afterwards she said "Man, i think they really liked me!" Poor perception for the lose.
10. Being "dumped" by getting blind copied in an email to all of the guys the girl was currently dating, citing the fact that her friend is having a hard time at work and its too stressful for her to be able to balance dating multiple men. Classic.


As of right now, ive muddled through alot of bad matches and found a really good one. Been a month and things seem to be going pretty smoothly. Who knows, i could jinx it.

More on this topic later.

4 comments:

Eric said...

Of all the things to say, I'll go with a trite, but well-meaning phrase: Good luck. You're a good guy, Wags.

J Mill said...

Thanks for the info on the sites, I find myself in a similar situation as you when this post was written.

BigTex97 said...

Well sir I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one struggling to find quality woman in the mid 20's age range. I myself am not a big party/bar scene guy and on top of the issues you named also work in the offshore oil industry so meeting anyone for 6 months of the year is impossible... I feel you pain!

LICSS said...

Good Stuff man, enjoyed the read. I'm currently 24 male never dated once in my life and let me tell you that's getting to me now. Long story short I went to a small high school maybe 100 in my graduating class and then commuted both to college and graduate school. Never felt like joining clubs as you mentioned. However not shy in anyway! In fact I am a high school history teacher now. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand the bars/clubs since I am a responsible person and the girls I do meet tend to be older or have boyfriends so it never leads to anything. It sucks. PS i did try match and eharmony neither of which worked. I didn't get any response even on eharmony when a match was made. Im not even a bad looking guy lol although I'm on the shorter side at 5'7 which I think works against me alot when I do go to the bars.