Thursday, May 03, 2007

Get a sandwich. This is a l ong one.

I havent written anything immensely personal in a good amount of time on here. Mostly its been linking to news stories, or pictures or movies or whatever. When i first started this blog, it was a recap of what i had been doing and what went through my mind and life. Lately, its really been neither. Not really sure why. I have the time, yet i guess just not the desire to do so. Well, for anyone who still reads this thing, youll get your fill here, i guess.

Time to use the way back machine. I led an extremely naive life for the most part. Some would say sheltered, some would say introverted. I guess i could agree with both. I never was the most popular, never the most attractive, never the most fun. Im not wallowing in that. Just accepting it. Through grade school/junior high/high school, i had completely loyal friends who would do anything for me, and i would them. Good people, for the most part. Never had to worry about them talking shit about me or doing something that would impact me negatively. I was quiet, for the most part. I took what i was able to get, worked hard, was very helpful and approachable. My parents said they admired my work ethic and my ability to respectfully deal with adults over anything else. Most kids my age in our area were snotty and felt everyone owed them something. I was raised to be as humble as possible, and it never occurred to me to try to try to do something i shouldnt or get away with something. Deceit wasnt something i was even really aware of. I can still remember the first time in my life that someone deceived me. In retrospect, its a stupid story, but in the end, it really woke me up to human nature.

I remember going to a birthday sleepover for a friend of mine, Bob, when i was in grade school...4th grade, i believe. At that time, i was pretty big into Star Trek: The Next Generation, and as a young male, loved action figures. I made it my duty to collect them all, even the more rare ones, thanks to an equally nerdy father. Bob was also into the same things as i and at this party we were discussing the action figures we had. It seemed he was a big jealous at the fact i had been able to get a full set(i know this story sounds retarded, but hang in there) and decided to tell me that he had one i hadnt ever heard of. He told me it was somewhere in the toy room and that i could go look as much as i would like to try to find it. Needless to say, i looked for a good amount of time and of course, did not find it. He swore as much as a 4th grader would that he did have it and he must have misplaced it. We left it at that. The next day, i casually mentioned it to my dad, who brought up an interesting point to i had never considered in my life.

He lied to me.

Now, for a 4th grader, that can be a pretty spectacular realization. Someone lied to me? All sorts of questions run through your head about it. Why? What would he have to gain? What were his motives? In the end, its an insignificant lie, but something that affected me so much as a child, i remember it plain as day. It affected me so much, that i remember the first time i ever lied to my parents...and it happened soon after that occurrence. For me, i was raised on being honest and trustworthy. Sunday school, boy scouts, general moral teachings from my parents...i never thought to do anything else. However that incident at the birthday opened my eyes to the fact that there are many people who lie for one reason or another. People who were not like me, who wouldnt do the right thing. I remember the feeling when my parents found out i had lied. I remember how i promised myself to never let that happen much as a 4th grader could promise that.

Fast forward to high school, a far cry from 4th grade. Lying and deceit is an everyday occurrence in high school. For me? I guess i might have changed. White lies about where my homework was, why i was late to class, why i was spaced out and couldnt answer the question...all those things happen. Im talking BIG lies. Big LIFE CHANGING lies. Where i was last night. Who was i with. I wanted my parents to trust me. I wanted my friends to trust me. I wanted my teachers to trust me. When a friend of mine who was always teased and jabbed (by...well, id say the popular crowd, but it was really everyone) committed suicide after consistently telling me it didnt bother him, i guess i started to realize that even the smallest lies have big consequences. The lasting effect of that was something that cant be measured.

Ah college...where i learned more about how "real" people function than any skill set that would be helpful in my career. Being introduced to a whole new area of the country..meeting more rich snobby kids like i was used to in HS to the simple farm kids and all types in between. Met women who were only in college to find a husband, some who were looking for a career and some who were just looking for their next drug hookup. Some used sex as a weapon, some who used it as a tool. Was a big shock my freshman year. I grew up ALOT that year. 2 of my closest family members, my great grandparents, died within a few months of each other. I learned how people can use someone else with no feelings of remorse, and i learned how people can get consumed by their feelings. was a pretty eye opening first year.

Sophomore year, i learned more about pain and deceit than i ever have in my life. Most of my close friends know what im talking about. I always had heard about cheating and infidelity in a relationship, but nothing ever prepares you for it when it happens to you. Not only the pain of your significant other betraying you, but add on top that it happened with friends of yours...gets pretty wild. I guess ive never really recovered from that issue or the entire relationship. Trust me, its not for lack of work or effort. Ive talked to people, both professionally and non and still, it affects me to this very day. I dont trust like i used to, i dont open up to people like i used to. However, since then, i have talked endless hours with her and have come to terms with what happened. Doesnt change the effect of that, but at least there was closure(as lame and cliche as that sounds)

Took me some time and alot of self discovery to get back into dating after that debacle. Finally, my senior year i got in a great relationship, probably the best relationship(based solely on our feelings for each other) i have ever had. I would do anything for her. She would do anything for me. We eventually got engaged after being together almost a year. We got engaged on Valentines day(oh no! How cliche!) and despite issues with her family, her deciding what she wanted to do with the rest of her life and my insane travel schedule...we managed to stick together for another 8 months. I loved her more than i loved anything else, even to this day...which made the next part that much harder. I basically had a breakdown in late October/November of that year. Wasnt pretty. Decided i needed to get my shit together before i could ever be a good boyfriend/husband for her. She didnt understand it at that time. Later on(at least a year later) she did understand after dealing with some things on her own...but it was too late. When i was ready...she didnt want me back. Thus ends that chapter. Was totally devastating to me. Ive dated some in the almost 3 years since that happened...but nothing worth writing home about. Im totally incapable of opening up, im totally uninterested in being close with someone since it seems like im destined to failure in one way or another. Have i ever gotten over this issue with her? I guess i thought i did. Well...maybe im wrong.

So why the big open heart emo post about shit ive talked about before?

Well, i cant sleep this week. I guess thats a misstatement. I sleep for about 20 min at a time. When i do sleep, i have crazy vivid dreams. Some of the past, some of potential future, but both are centered around that last relationship. My mom has always told me that dreams are a way of your subconscious working things out. Thats understandable, but right now, it aint working jack shit out. Its just playing this stuff over and over now for a week. Its affecting how i function at work, how i function personally and im tired as hell. Not only that, its brought back immense feelings of heartbreak from all my past relationships, but most notably this one. Reliving probably the biggest mistake i ever made over and over and over is pretty much the worst thing i could wish on someone. But for some reason, here i am.

I know im not who i once was. Im not as strong as i used to be. Professionally, im more successful. I have a great job at a great company making great money for someone my age. Personally, im a mess. Borderline bipolar, uncontrollable anger out of nowhere, deep bouts of depression. Why? What the hell is going on that brings this on? Ive tried doing some soul searching over the past 6-8 months and have literally gotten nowhere. It seems like the longer i go on...the more i dig into a hole. I dont know what to do....however, now my dreams are focusing on this one event in my life.

I dont know why im posting this here. I guess I dont have anyone close enough to talk to about this anymore. Maybe i need to vent? Im seriously at a loss for what to do right now in my life on a personal level.


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